Let Her Go
by CassieVulcan
Summary: "You never know you love her till you let her go." Songfic based off Let Her Go by Passenger Spock ponders his relationships with Nyota Uhura and Jamie Kirk. Spock/Kirk FEM!KIRK


_Well you only need the light when it's burning low._

"Spock your light is about to burn out," Jamie's lips twitched in amusement but Spock didn't turn his head to acknowledge her. He was too focused on his experiment. The tiny "house plant" he had been tasked with dissecting had been given to the Captain as a gift from a secret admirer earlier that day and he probably should have known more about it by now.

Of course if would have been less important if it also hadn't tried to bite a chunk out of her nose soon after receiving it.

"Do you want me to replace the bulb?"

If he were human he might have been irritated with her for distracting him further from his work, he may have even rolled his eyes. But of course he wasn't, so as stoically as ever he replied, "That will not be necessary Captain. I estimate the light will last another several hours and if not interrupted I should know the results from my tests within the one."

Some of his irritation slipped out. He would have to meditate heavily tonight.

Jamie was silent behind him but he could feel her piercing blue eyed gaze fixed on his back. He felt like he could not bring himself to meet that gaze so he continued to gaze intently at the crisp grey leaves, quivering under his tools. She sighed. "Alright. Give me the report in the morning then."

"Affirmative, Captain."

She opened her mouth as if she had more to say but then thought better of it and closed it. The door swished shut behind her.

Almost immediately the light burnt out, drowning the room in a blackness so cold not even Spock's superior Vulcan eyes could see.

If he was human he might have sighed.

 _Only miss the sun when it starts to snow._

"There you are," a bright flash of red caught his gaze and suddenly Nyota was stood before him, smiling gently. "I was looking for you, we were supposed to meet for dinner an hour ago."

She held out two fingers for a kiss and Spock obliged silently before falling into pace with her to walk towards the mess hall. "My apologies, I came upon an unexpected hindering during my tests."

"Something bad?"

"The light burnt out."

Nyota blinked and then she was laughing, "You should have known it would burn out the damn thing has been flickering for a week."

Spock raised an eyebrow, "It should have lasted until my tests were complete. Someone must have turned it on for a period of time in my absence."

"Honestly Spock," Nyota's smile was blinding as she took his hand and twined their fingers together, "You're amazing."

The mess hall doors was almost completely void of crew members as most people had actually made it to dinner at the regular time unlike them. In a way it was nice to be able to walk directly from the replicators to the a table as Nyota told him about some of the transmissions that she had picked up through her shift. Though one particular transmission from a Klingon Warbird was fascinating Spock listened only half heartedly. His mind was off somewhere else as it so often seemed to be as of late, he didn't have time for the ever present rumours of war.

A flash of yellow caught his eye and he turned his head to meet Jamie's from across the room where she sat with several other officers from the bridge and the CMO. Her eyes flickered to his hand clasped tightly with Nyota's on top of the table and then back to his face. He wasn't sure what emotion was showing in her eyes but had no time to study it further as the doctor, McCoy, nudged her shoulder and she turned away breaking their contact before he could.

He didn't know what the doctor said that made the Captain grin so brightly and link their arms together... But it was probably illogical and unnecessary.

 _Only know you love her when you let her go._

"What do you mean you're transferring?" McCoy was a very brash and illogical human. But Spock too disliked what he was hearing.

"Captain the doctor's reaction is appropriate. You are wanted and needed here by everyone in this crew."

Jamie rolled her eyes, she was sitting on one of the beds in the medical bay. Arm heavily bandaged over the area's that had been wounded on the last planetary mission. "Look I know that but - fuck!"

She had lifted her injured arm in an attempt to run her hand through her long golden hair. The effort caused her to stretch her newly mended flesh, re-opening parts of the wound. McCoy rushed to her side, tricorder in hand immediately as always and started to work. Jamie was shaking slightly, face pale. Spock wondered just how badly the cut had been and felt a twinge of guilt somewhere deep in his stomach as he watched the white bandages become tinted slowly with red. This was his fault for not properly examining the plant, the attack had been immediate upon their arrival at Thelmak II. The natives hissing in their own reptilian language that they had been warned already not to go near them.

How could he have been so blind?

"I never said I wanted to leave," Jamie muttered and Spock had to turn his gaze away from the doctors work to meet her gaze. She wasn't looking at him though, but instead chose to stare intently at the hem of her dress frayed from phaser fire. "I just think it would be a good opportunity for me."

"Better than Captain of the best damn starship in the fleet?" McCoy's voice was heavy with sarcasm and Jamie raised her head to give him a lopsided grin.

"I love you too, Bones."

Spock stiffened, "I have heard enough, Captain," He nodded towards her and she finally met his gaze again, "If you so desire to leave the ship I cannot stop you. Please inform me when you know more of what is happening, I must return to the labs."

Jamie's eyes looked sad but she was smiling, "Of course Spock."

It didn't feel right to do so but he nodded again and then turned on his heel and left the medical bay. Mind churning. Captain Kirk leave the enterprise? It had never before seemed possible to him.

Nyota would be pleased, he thought. She had never been a fan of their new found friendship.

Spock just felt cold.

 _Only know you've been high when you're feeling low._

Meditating wasn't helping.

Jamie had cornered him earlier that evening to discuss her transfer with him again. She had been offered the Captaincy on the USS Python, a mapping ship. "I would never be in any real danger," she licked her lips when she said this, fingers combing through her hair thoughtfully, "Bones has been saying I put my life at risk too much and -"

"He believes you will die eventually if you stay here?" Spock was so stiff. His fingers twitched slightly behind his back.

Jamie's smile wasn't as bright as it usually was, "Yeah... Pike would be taking over here if I agreed and after I get more experience I could come back in a few years."

Spock's hands clenched into fists, "Did Starfleet tell you you were unfit to captain this vessel because of experience?"

She chuckled, "Not exactly."

"Then Captain I must remain adamant that I do not understand your wish to give up this ship and its crew." She loved the enterprise, he knew she loved her crew. Logically this didn't make any sense even coming from his amazingly illogical Captain.

Jamie's lips twitched up into a sorrow filled grin, "No Spock," she was practically whispering now despite them being alone in the corridor, "No I knew you wouldn't."

And she turned and walked away. Back towards the bridge. Back to work. How much longer did he have with her? They hadn't even played a game of chess in weeks. Spock had always been too busy when she asked, had always seemed to have plans with Nyota when it was convenient.

He would have said yes if had known that soon he wouldn't be able to play against her at all.

He thought all of this but said nothing as he watched her long golden hair bob behind her in its ponytail until she was gone and out of his sight.

 _Only hate the road when you're missing home._

 _Only know you love her when you let her go._

McCoy had left with her. Spock would not admit to missing the doctor but the new CMO was incredibly dull. Spock's comments didn't rile him up the way they did McCoy. Of course it was illogical to care about such things.

He had worked under Captain Pike before so bridgework was very formal and to the point as he knew it would be. He estimated that work might even be getting done 2.3% more efficiently. Captain Kirk had had a habit of holding things up with small talk. "How's your daughter Sulu?" "Big birthday coming up isn't there Chekhov?" "I heard the most scandalous joke from Bones last night-"

Captain Pike did not small talk. It saved roughly 10 - 20 minutes each day for work. Spock should have greatly appreciated that.

"Commander Spock! How's my favorite half Vulcan first officer today? Did you hear my joke?"

Her voice echoed in his head and he frowned at his console.

Working on the bridge was less... Fun. It was less bright without her.

 _And you let her go._

He missed her.

How human.

 _Staring at the bottom of your glass, hoping some day you will make a dream last._

 _But dreams come slow and they go so fast..._

Spock jolted awake. He had been dreaming, he was sure of it. He did not often dream but he had been so tired after the away mission on Delta Sapphire. What had he been dreaming? Flashes of blue and yellow danced in his memory, long soft golden hair pressed against pillows.

Nyota shifted beside him, humming in her sleep before rolling over and draping an arm across his chest. He felt cold despite the high heat to his rooms, the woman in his arms and the blanket over his legs.

Red not yellow.

Black not gold.

Brown not blue...

He shook himself mentally. It was only a dream of course, logically it meant nothing. His mind was just reminding him that he missed her. No one else played chess quite the way she did.

No one else filled up an entire room the way she did either.

Spock closed his eyes.

 _You see her face when you close your eyes._

 _Maybe someday you'll understand why._

And saw her face. He wanted to reach out, touch a cheek to see if she was real. Press a finger to the curve of her smile to try and take some her happiness and fill the void of his own. But she blurred as he succumbed to his exhaustion and fell asleep once time he did not dream.

 _Everything you touch surely dies._

"I can't believe this doesn't bother you!" Nyota was pacing and crying but Spock could only sit rigid at his desk and watch her. "I am telling you we are over and you don't even care!"

"That is incorrect," Spock wished to lick his lips but forced the feeling down, "I am truly saddened by this development in our relationship. I was not expecting it."

She rounded on him, "Why weren't you Spock? We haven't been happy in months now."

Months. It has been 3.4 months since Captain Kirk left the enterprise.

Nyota was staring at him and he realized he was probably expected to say something but he had no words. She shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut as more tears streamed down her face, "You're unbelievable."

And she was gone. There hadn't been anything for her to stick around to take, Spock hadn't thought moving into each other's quarters necessary even after more than a year of dating. Ironically that had proved to be a good thing as it shortened this moment and allowed for him to immediately sink to the floor and begin to meditate.

He knew he would always hold a special place for the lieutenant. In a way he would always love her.

 _But you only need the light when it's burning low._

 _Only miss the sun when it starts to snow._

 _Only know you love her when you let her go._

It was almost too easy to mend himself from Nyota's words.

 _Only know you've been high when you're feeling low._

 _Only hate the road when you're missing home._

"2 days until the next starbase Captain," lieutenant Sulu glanced at Pike, a hopeful glint in his eye, "There are however several planets between us and the base that could prove useful for exploration."

Pike shook his head, "No we need to stock up and regroup before we consider doing anything dangerous." A flicker of annoyance. "Maximum warp towards the Starbase. We could all use a break."

"Yes sir," Spock didn't miss the flicker of disappointment in his eyes before Sulu turned around and locked in their co-ordinates. The entire crew of the bridge looked so serious, not a single smile though they weren't headed toward any danger. How illogical.

Spock frowned and then stood from his chair and walked the short distance to the helm and stood next to Sulu. "How is your daughter Lieutenant?"

Sulu's lips twitched upwards and he glanced at the picture he kept next to his station, "She's good Commander. I got word from Ben that she's reading really well now. We hope to get her her very own PADD for her birthday in the summer."

Spock nodded, clasping his hands behind his back, "I am sure she would love that." Pike was staring at him but Spock ignored him and turned to Ensign Chekhov who was grinning widely, "I believe you just recently celebrated a birthday did you not Ensign?"

"Ai Commander! Last veekend! I can't beliewe you remembered!" he beamed.

People were beginning to smile and Nyota was even smiling at him in a way she hadn't done for the past several weeks since they ended their relationship.

"Hey I heard the most scandalous joke from Nurse Chapel last night!" She joined in which was good because Spock couldn't honestly say he knew any jokes.

The whole bridge suddenly felt lighter. Even Pike was grinning now in good humour as people put work aside for a few minutes and talked to each other. It felt right.

Spock felt his lips twitch upwards slightly but he was back at his own station before anyone could have possibly noticed.

 _Only know you love her when you let her go._

Kirk would have teased him for being so human.

 _And you let her go._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 _Staring at the ceiling in the dark, same old empty feeling in your heart._

 _Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast._

Spock should be asleep. Or at least meditating. Shore leave would start in the morning and his shields needed to be in top shape when he found himself on a starbase with 3 times the amount of people as the enterprise, but he was finding it difficult.

Every time he closed his eyes he saw her face.

Why was he still seeing her face? It had been approximately 6.8 months since he had seen her. It wasn't logical.

He closed his eyes again but there she was. Bright blue eyes filled with so much emotion, he had never met another human with as much emotion as she possessed. Golden hair, wavy and as soft as silk, tumbling down past her shoulders. That lopsided grin she liked to give him when she thought he was being particularly human.

The USS Python was docked at Starbase Theta.

Perhaps that was why he truly could not sleep.

 _Well you see her when you fall asleep._

She was beautiful.

 _But never to touch._

 _And never to keep._

Spock knew that.

 _Cause you loved her too much and you dived too deep._

He wasn't sure if it was insulting or gratifying that his Vulcan nature had buried this feeling down so deep inside of him that it took this long to extract and examine it. His father would be proud but his mother would have been saddened.

His mother would have been right though.

If he had embraced his human half a little better his heart might not be breaking right now.

 _Well you only need the light when it's burning low._

The door to the lab he was working in at the moment swished open. It had been doing that all morning of course as he was borrowing the use of another officer's station while off the Enterprise. So he ignored it and continued to study the blue goo he had extracted from a small pink fruit from a nearby planet.

He was trying to see if it was safe to eat but was coming up with very little evidence to support either side.

"... Your light is about to burn out."

That voice.

Spock's heart thudded to a stop but he did not lift his head, "It is not even flickering yet, Captain."

Jamie smiled lightly behind him, he could practically feel it, "No but it's very dull. They use a different type of bulb at the base its newer, not like the enterprise's."

Spock felt his lips twitch. He carefully placed the goo into a container and then turned to finally, finally see that beautiful face in person after nearly 7 months -

When the light burnt out and bathed them in darkness.

 _Only miss the sun when it starts to snow._

Jamie's laughter was instant. "I told you so!" she wheezed, clutching her sides. "You think you're so smart but I'm always right!"

Spock smiled. It was of no use to push it down as she could not see him anyway, so for just one blissful moment he allowed himself to really feel.

"It is wonderful to see you again Captain."

"I would say the same but I can't see you at all," Jamie's loud guffaws turned to quiet giggles as she calmed herself down, "Can you see me?"

Of course he could. He had memorized her face before she had left without him even knowing. He could fully picture every feature from the slim shape of her nose to the golden curve of her eyebrow. She shined so brightly even in the dark.

"No," He took a step forward, "There should be a spare bulb behind you on the shelf."

He couldn't see, or at least that was his excuse when his fingers reached forward and slid against her cheek. He stilled and he could feel her breath shudder against his palm. "Spock?" her voice was raspy it sent tingles down his spine.

But she did not want this. She left the enterprise. She left him.

Spock pulled back his hand. "Apologies Captain, it is darker than I thought."

Her laugh was breathless, "Here," she fumbled around for a second in the dark, "Aha!" she sounded so proud of herself. Spock opened his mouth to thank her but then suddenly her hand was against his chest, gripping his shirt.

He froze.

Again.

"Shit sorry," Jamie slid her hand to the right and Spock's entire being shivered mentally as she basically groped her way to his hands. She had always been touchy but this was bad, this was bad, bad, bad, bad -

Her fingers were grazing his in what could only be described as a gentle kiss in his culture. "There," she swallowed and withdrew, leaving him cold, "Can you find the light in the dark to change it?"

He didn't answer her because he couldn't find any words at the moment but found it relatively easy to reach upwards and snap the small fluorescent bulb out of place to replace it with the good one. The room flickered back into view.

Spock lowered his arms slowly, staring at a sight he had longed for for so long. She just smiled back at him, but there was so much to say. There was so much Spock needed to tell her.

"You cut your hair."

Jamie blinked and reached a hand up to curl a finger through the now shoulder length golden bob she was sporting. "Oh yeah, do you like it? It was Bones' idea."

Spock bristled, "It suits you very well."

She beamed at him, "Thanks! Listen I have to go meet Bones and a few other crew members for lunch, do you want to come?"

Sorrow. Envy. He wasn't sure what was more prominent. "I have to finish up here I am afraid. Admiral Becker is expecting my results within the next 2 hours."

Jamie's face fell, "Oh. That's a shame, Bones really missed you you know." The smile she wore now was fake, Spock knew this but said nothing, "Alright well..." she seemed to hesitate, "See you around."

The door swished shut behind her before he could reply.

He did not wish to think about how statistically unlikely seeing her again was.

 _Only know you love her when you let her go._

She was everything he needed wasn't she?

How very ironic.

 _Only know you've been high when you're feeling low._

Spock stared at the goo. Stared but did not resume his testing. He hadn't even realized just how down he felt until she was gone. Had he been this down the entire 6.84 months of her absence?

 _Only hate the road when you're missing home._

Maybe he could transfer as well, he thought. Working with her again would probably be best for his meditation and his sleep. If he saw her in person every day then logically he wouldn't need to picture her smile when he closed his eyes.

It was logical.

...

No.

No it wasn't.

 _Only know you love her when you let her go._

Spock's hands were shaking so he clenched them into fists. His emotions were running out of control he needed to stop. He needed to stop and think.

He lifted his fists and pressed them against his forehead.

He needed her. He could go after her, he could beg her to return his feelings. He could lift her up and take her far far away from Nyota and McCoy and -

He needed to calm his mind.

Spock took one deep, shaky breath and lowered his hands to his sides. He needed to get back to work.

 _And you let her ~_

The door swished open again. If he was human he might have spun around in shock and unrelenting hope.

Alright so he was half human.

"Spock," Jamie's eyes were watery but she looked determined not sad as she strode toward him, hands clenched at her sides.

"Captai-" he was cut off however when she grabbed his shirt again and pulled. He stumbled from the shock of it.

And his lips met hers.

For a moment she was kissing him passionately and he was frozen in place, but slowly the feeling began to creep its way back into his veins and his arms circled her waist. He tugged her closer as his eyes slid shut and his lips pushed back against hers desperately.

Oh god how he wanted this.

"Spock," Jamie broke away for air but her forehead was pressed against his and her lips brushed his with every word she whispered, "I love you." She was crying and her hands had left his shirt and tangled into his hair. "I love you so much it physically hurts."

Spock kissed her again to silence her fears. He pushed his emotions to the surface and caressed her with them. He needed her to feel the love and the desperate want he was also feeling for he did not... Could not possibly know what words to use to express his very human desire to never leave her side.

She let out a sob against his lips in between kisses but he could feel her happiness radiating off her skin. He matched it with his own.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I will be returning to the enterprise, you know," Jamie was grinning so wide Spock wondered if it actually hurt her cheeks, "Pike loves me he'll give it back."

Spock's lip twitched upwards minisculey, "I believe everyone loves you, Captain."

"Jamie," She corrected and nuzzled her nose against his jaw, "We just made out for the better part of an hour, I think you can call me by my actual name."

Spock kissed her forehead, letting his lips linger on her skin while he trailed his fingers up and down her arm. "I love you, Jamie."

"I know," she breathed and leant up to kiss him again.

" **McCoy to Kirk."** the communicator on Jamie's hip was buzzing, " **We have been waiting for you for half an hour where in the hell are you?"**

Jamie swore against Spock's lips and the two of them forced their way back to their feet and off the lab floor. Dr McCoy was very angry when they finally arrived but greeted Spock happily enough. The meal they shared was pleasant even with the 4 officers from the Python Spock was unacquainted with.

In fact he was in such good spirits that he wasn't even upset when Jamie spotted a speck of mustard on his lip and took it upon herself to wipe it off which started a long round of teasing from the good doctor.

It didn't matter.

He loved her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sulu! Please set in coordinates for the nearest unknown planet, I am literally dying for an adventure right now," Jamie was grinning widely, sat very unlady like sideways in her chair with her legs up on the arm and her feet crossed at the ankles. Even so the entire bridge crew, even Uhura, was beaming right back at her. It had been a long year without her, the paperwork for her return having taken another 3.6 months to push through and finally bring her back where she belonged.

"Aye Captain," Sulu saluted her teasingly and she saluted back.

McCoy rolled his eyes and crossed his arms from where he stood on her right side near her feet, "You have a death wish."

"And you love it," Jamie winked and grinned wider when Spock appeared suddenly on her left, "Commander," she greeted and held out two fingers in the way he showed her the night before for a Vulcan kiss.

He met her fingers with his own, "Captain."

The Enterprise had never felt this warm and Spock had never felt this happy.

His mother would be proud. 


End file.
